[expletive] WORK THREAD

User avatar
Bunts Lick Butts
Turdologist
Posts: 28070
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 1:57 am
Contact:

[expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Bunts Lick Butts » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:19 pm

The lady that sits across from me just farted on a co-worker, literally cropdusted him as he walked behind her. It wasn't one of those "old lady squeaker farts," it was a full-on relief fart. He shot her the biggest go to hell look i've ever seen and she meekly smiled and said "pardon me." It's now wafting over to my desk. This poisonous fart is now ruining what had been a pretty productive Monday.

[expletive] YOU FART

Anyone else want to gripe about their job?
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 2412: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/posting.php:1)

User avatar
Sammy Sofa
Licks Butts
Posts: 56771
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2005 9:45 pm
Location: Washington DC

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Sammy Sofa » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:21 pm

Petition to change this to the gripe about farts thread.

I was doing some holiday shopping this weekend and was amazed by the amount of people who just assume that nobody is behind them in a busy public place and just unleash hellish farts of death. Mostly middle aged mothers, too. NO SHAME.
Abbc3 Spoiler Show

User avatar
yanrslatr
fka mariners revenge
Posts: 16537
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 10:04 am

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby yanrslatr » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:26 pm

Limited to humans? My dog is getting old and clears the room on a nearly daily basis.

User avatar
Bunts Lick Butts
Turdologist
Posts: 28070
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 1:57 am
Contact:

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Bunts Lick Butts » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:27 pm

My dog will be asleep on the couch, fart, and then jolt awake, staring directly into her butthole like a telescope, trying to find out what just happened.
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 2412: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/posting.php:1)

User avatar
SouthSideRyan
is ELL
Posts: 47568
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2003 12:08 am
Location: Chicago Loop

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby SouthSideRyan » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:39 pm

I sit next to a hot girl now and can't discreetly fart at my desk at all. This sucks. I also have to rush through any poops that happen to come about during the day.
Exile on Waveland wrote: IU smells like poop.

User avatar
yanrslatr
fka mariners revenge
Posts: 16537
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 10:04 am

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby yanrslatr » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:49 pm

On the topic of work, we've got these single cup Starbucks coffee makers all over. Push 2 buttons and 45 seconds later, you get a cup of coffee. No gripes there.

But we also have lawyers. A [expletive] load of lawyers. And lawyers are [expletive]. And undoubtedly, the worst part about lawyers is that they think their time is so much more valuable than everyone else's. So you've got 2 types of [expletive] lawyers using the coffee machine. The Abandoner and the Dripper.

The Abandoner is stupid but less annoying. He or she pushes 2 buttons, outs a cup under the spout and leaves the kitchen. Somewhere between a minute and 10 minutes later, Abandoner returns to retrieve their coffee. Almost always with a "witty" little comment ("is this me?"). Mildly annoying but you can just set their cup to the side and go about your business unless you're one of these weird types that thinks touching someone's coffee is adultery or something so you just stand their staring at it waiting like a dog staring at its water dish waiting patiently for dopey to realize he hasn't given the dog water in 8 hours. I just licked my own ass for 5 minutes, would it kill you to freshen my dish so I don't have to wash this down with water from the toilet you haven't scrubbed since that wild bender on election night 2008?

The worst, by far, is Dripper. He (always a he here) isn't going to leave their cup and risk someone walking off with his hard earned brew. No. But he doesn't have 45 seconds to waste reading about the birthdays of the month or ogling the young coworkers who come in to make some copies. [expletive] that noise. My limit is 40 seconds and you know this. So I'm taking my cup and going back to my office to read ESPN on a 25" monitor like God and Bill Simmons intended.

So what if the coffee is still dripping and makes the cup holder nasty and splatters the counter and floor and coats the bottom of the next guy's mug. In this economy, some new law grad will gladly take $10 an hour to clean up my coffee so I can get back to being important.

[expletive] you both

User avatar
wekse
5-Time All-Star
Posts: 6082
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 12:38 pm
Location: Nashville, TN
Contact:

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby wekse » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:57 pm

the guy who sits in the cube over from me has a smelly fish tank and he himself smells like a wet german shepherd.

we've all complained, he's been sent home twice now but still smells like wet dog...i think he will be fired soon.


soooo, anyone looking for an IT gig in nashville? i may know of an opening soon.

User avatar
jersey cubs fan
Hall of Fame
Posts: 49519
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2007 12:38 pm

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby jersey cubs fan » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:59 pm

SouthSideRyan wrote:I sit next to a hot girl now and can't discreetly fart at my desk at all. This sucks. I also have to rush through any poops that happen to come about during the day.


What's the point of keeping that job?
Tim wrote:"Hawthorne Effect". Basically, people improve their behavior if they know they're being watched. I'm a competitive cur, so having friends that are also doing it drives me to want to "win" daily/weekly challenges and such.

User avatar
Proven Veteran
All-Star
Posts: 1714
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2004 12:47 pm
Location: Oakland, CA

Re: Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Proven Veteran » Mon Dec 03, 2012 1:12 pm

Mariner's Revenge wrote:On the topic of work, we've got these single cup Starbucks coffee makers all over. Push 2 buttons and 45 seconds later, you get a cup of coffee. No gripes there.

But we also have lawyers. A [expletive] load of lawyers. And lawyers are [expletive]. And undoubtedly, the worst part about lawyers is that they think their time is so much more valuable than everyone else's. So you've got 2 types of [expletive] lawyers using the coffee machine. The Abandoner and the Dripper.

The Abandoner is stupid but less annoying. He or she pushes 2 buttons, outs a cup under the spout and leaves the kitchen. Somewhere between a minute and 10 minutes later, Abandoner returns to retrieve their coffee. Almost always with a "witty" little comment ("is this me?"). Mildly annoying but you can just set their cup to the side and go about your business unless you're one of these weird types that thinks touching someone's coffee is adultery or something so you just stand their staring at it waiting like a dog staring at its water dish waiting patiently for dopey to realize he hasn't given the dog water in 8 hours. I just licked my own ass for 5 minutes, would it kill you to freshen my dish so I don't have to wash this down with water from the toilet you haven't scrubbed since that wild bender on election night 2008?

The worst, by far, is Dripper. He (always a he here) isn't going to leave their cup and risk someone walking off with his hard earned brew. No. But he doesn't have 45 seconds to waste reading about the birthdays of the month or ogling the young coworkers who come in to make some copies. [expletive] that noise. My limit is 40 seconds and you know this. So I'm taking my cup and going back to my office to read ESPN on a 25" monitor like God and Bill Simmons intended.

So what if the coffee is still dripping and makes the cup holder nasty and splatters the counter and floor and coats the bottom of the next guy's mug. In this economy, some new law grad will gladly take $10 an hour to clean up my coffee so I can get back to being important.

[expletive] you both

Some people pull the cup because the machine shoots out extra water at the end of the cycle. People do that at my office also, I wish they would at least empty the tray afterwards.

User avatar
treebird
chinese food
Posts: 19821
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 9:25 pm

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby treebird » Mon Dec 03, 2012 1:23 pm

jersey cubs fan wrote:
SouthSideRyan wrote:I sit next to a hot girl now and can't discreetly fart at my desk at all. This sucks. I also have to rush through any poops that happen to come about during the day.


What's the point of keeping that job?


ssr needs something to keep him occupied during the day while he lives off the interest of his investments

glavine93
All-Star
Posts: 1274
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2004 2:29 pm
Location: west loop

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby glavine93 » Mon Dec 03, 2012 1:24 pm

i work with a bunch of nonpracticing lawyers, after a good 7+ years of working with practicing lawyers. i will never allow myself to really complain about my job for fear of jinxing this absolute miracle. everyone is eerily sane and this took a while to get used to. even the coffee situation is reasonable.

the one bad thing is that there is very little drama or excitement at all, and i miss it. it's just too quiet. once in a while i flash back to all the amazing moments at old jobs, like a crazy partner screaming "I WANT MY [EXPLETIVE] LIPITOR!!!" while arguing about the health insurance plan with HR. i guess the grass is always greener on the other side. :(

User avatar
treebird
chinese food
Posts: 19821
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 9:25 pm

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby treebird » Mon Dec 03, 2012 1:24 pm

Mariner's Revenge wrote:So what if the coffee is still dripping and makes the cup holder nasty and splatters the counter and floor and coats the bottom of the next guy's mug. In this economy, some new law grad will gladly take $10 an hour to clean up my coffee so I can get back to being important.


is this the sort of thing where i send the resume straight to you or do you just go tell them i'm cool after i apply

User avatar
yanrslatr
fka mariners revenge
Posts: 16537
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 10:04 am

Re: Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby yanrslatr » Mon Dec 03, 2012 1:35 pm

Treymon wrote:
Mariner's Revenge wrote:So what if the coffee is still dripping and makes the cup holder nasty and splatters the counter and floor and coats the bottom of the next guy's mug. In this economy, some new law grad will gladly take $10 an hour to clean up my coffee so I can get back to being important.


is this the sort of thing where i send the resume straight to you or do you just go tell them i'm cool after i apply


Fill out the standard app but be sure to mention me so I get the finder's fee.

Pushfrog98
All-Star
Posts: 2870
Joined: Wed Nov 22, 2006 1:36 pm
Location: St. Louis

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Pushfrog98 » Mon Dec 03, 2012 2:37 pm

I'm the only person in my entire office who will change the damn water tank on the water cooler. I've tried to send out the "friendly" email reminding everyone how easy it is to change the tank, and to even call me to go do it if they can't lift the stupid thing. It ticks me off when I go to get water and the cooler is bone dry.

Also, wipe your damn pubes off the toilet. And if you get explosive diarrhea, because you insist on eating Hot Pockets for breakfast, lunch, and a snack, then clean that [expletive] (literally) off the wall.

User avatar
Ding Dong Johnson
Crap Bag
Posts: 24935
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 9:42 pm
Location: Durnsville

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Ding Dong Johnson » Mon Dec 03, 2012 2:38 pm

I want more imb! fart stories.
Image

User avatar
Derwood
Stall Monitor
Posts: 58429
Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2003 10:44 am
Location: 375 Miles East of Wrigley

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Derwood » Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:00 pm

There are dirty crockpots in our break room sink that have been there since November 24th.

They had chili in them.

User avatar
Proven Veteran
All-Star
Posts: 1714
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2004 12:47 pm
Location: Oakland, CA

Re: Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Proven Veteran » Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:18 pm

Pushfrog98 wrote:I'm the only person in my entire office who will change the damn water tank on the water cooler. I've tried to send out the "friendly" email reminding everyone how easy it is to change the tank, and to even call me to go do it if they can't lift the stupid thing. It ticks me off when I go to get water and the cooler is bone dry.

Also, wipe your damn pubes off the toilet. And if you get explosive diarrhea, because you insist on eating Hot Pockets for breakfast, lunch, and a snack, then clean that [expletive] (literally) off the wall.

People here like to fill the entire bowl with seat covers after they do their business. They also like to cover the floor with paper towels.

User avatar
Bunts Lick Butts
Turdologist
Posts: 28070
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 1:57 am
Contact:

Re: Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Bunts Lick Butts » Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:21 am

Proven Veteran wrote:
Pushfrog98 wrote:I'm the only person in my entire office who will change the damn water tank on the water cooler. I've tried to send out the "friendly" email reminding everyone how easy it is to change the tank, and to even call me to go do it if they can't lift the stupid thing. It ticks me off when I go to get water and the cooler is bone dry.

Also, wipe your damn pubes off the toilet. And if you get explosive diarrhea, because you insist on eating Hot Pockets for breakfast, lunch, and a snack, then clean that [expletive] (literally) off the wall.

People here like to fill the entire bowl with seat covers after they do their business. They also like to cover the floor with paper towels.


Someone has [expletive] on the floor - just literally [expletive] on the floor right next to the toilet - at least 3 times this year that i know of.
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 2412: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/posting.php:1)

User avatar
David
Hall of Fame
Posts: 45384
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 6:33 pm
Location: Chicago

Re: Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby David » Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:25 am

imb! wrote:
Proven Veteran wrote:
Pushfrog98 wrote:I'm the only person in my entire office who will change the damn water tank on the water cooler. I've tried to send out the "friendly" email reminding everyone how easy it is to change the tank, and to even call me to go do it if they can't lift the stupid thing. It ticks me off when I go to get water and the cooler is bone dry.

Also, wipe your damn pubes off the toilet. And if you get explosive diarrhea, because you insist on eating Hot Pockets for breakfast, lunch, and a snack, then clean that [expletive] (literally) off the wall.

People here like to fill the entire bowl with seat covers after they do their business. They also like to cover the floor with paper towels.


Someone has [expletive] on the floor - just literally [expletive] on the floor right next to the toilet - at least 3 times this year that i know of.


wtf is wrong with people

i don't even understand how people get [expletive] smeared on toilet seat....


or when it's like sprayed all over the inside of the toilet bowl... do you not flush in time and that [expletive] just dries up there?
Image

User avatar
Derwood
Stall Monitor
Posts: 58429
Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2003 10:44 am
Location: 375 Miles East of Wrigley

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Derwood » Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:42 am

i don't understand the puddle of piss under every urinal. aiming's not that difficult

User avatar
Sammy Sofa
Licks Butts
Posts: 56771
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2005 9:45 pm
Location: Washington DC

Re: Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Sammy Sofa » Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:59 am

Proven Veteran wrote:
Pushfrog98 wrote:I'm the only person in my entire office who will change the damn water tank on the water cooler. I've tried to send out the "friendly" email reminding everyone how easy it is to change the tank, and to even call me to go do it if they can't lift the stupid thing. It ticks me off when I go to get water and the cooler is bone dry.

Also, wipe your damn pubes off the toilet. And if you get explosive diarrhea, because you insist on eating Hot Pockets for breakfast, lunch, and a snack, then clean that [expletive] (literally) off the wall.

People here like to fill the entire bowl with seat covers after they do their business. They also like to cover the floor with paper towels.


[expletive] tedious; this happens with every job I've had. It doesn't matter if it's retail or office or teaching (and I'm talking teacher bathrooms, not the ones the kids are using). People just act like they can't touch ANYTHING in the bathroom, like they'll be infected with the plague or something, so there's paper EVERYWHERE. The paper towels especially bug me because it's clearly from people who are afraid of touching the trash cans or the doorknobs so they just drop the paper like they can't wash their hands ever again.
Abbc3 Spoiler Show

User avatar
Sammy Sofa
Licks Butts
Posts: 56771
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2005 9:45 pm
Location: Washington DC

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby Sammy Sofa » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:00 pm

Derwood wrote:i don't understand the puddle of piss under every urinal. aiming's not that difficult


All it takes is one terrible pisser. ONE guy gets a little on the floor and seemingly every other person afterwards forgets that their legs can stand apart and decides they have to try for a distance piss instead.
Abbc3 Spoiler Show

biittner77
5-Time All-Star
Posts: 9291
Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2003 6:10 pm
Location: Maryland's Eastern Shore

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby biittner77 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 2:18 pm

Leaving the bathroom and heading for the classroom.

Today, progress reports were due so naturally yesterday we had a [expletive] department meeting to talk about all the extra work associated with the steaming pile of [expletive] that is Race to the Top (which is somehow managed to be even worse than No child left behind).
snoodmonger wrote:Schwarber dong was as swaggy a dong as you're gonna see, fellas. If he'd dropped the bat cleanly, it would've jumped up and flipped itself.

User avatar
XZero77
Superstar
Posts: 18605
Joined: Sat Oct 25, 2003 4:57 am
Location: The Wastes
Contact:

Re: Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby XZero77 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 2:55 pm

David wrote:
imb! wrote:
Proven Veteran wrote:
Pushfrog98 wrote:I'm the only person in my entire office who will change the damn water tank on the water cooler. I've tried to send out the "friendly" email reminding everyone how easy it is to change the tank, and to even call me to go do it if they can't lift the stupid thing. It ticks me off when I go to get water and the cooler is bone dry.

Also, wipe your damn pubes off the toilet. And if you get explosive diarrhea, because you insist on eating Hot Pockets for breakfast, lunch, and a snack, then clean that [expletive] (literally) off the wall.

People here like to fill the entire bowl with seat covers after they do their business. They also like to cover the floor with paper towels.


Someone has [expletive] on the floor - just literally [expletive] on the floor right next to the toilet - at least 3 times this year that i know of.


wtf is wrong with people

i don't even understand how people get [expletive] smeared on toilet seat....


or when it's like sprayed all over the inside of the toilet bowl... do you not flush in time and that [expletive] just dries up there?


Years ago I had a second job doing maintenance during the graveyard shift at a shopping mall, and from time to time the crew that cleaned the bathrooms would not show up, so I'd be tasked with their job.

Let me tell you, I saw the [expletive] apocalypse several times, especially during holiday season. I saw [expletive] filled underwear stuck to the wall, stalls where someone did Jackson Pollack style [expletive] painting on the walls, [expletive] spray in places that would have confounded Dexter Morgan and everything in between. People are [expletive] barbarians.

I have a low tolerance for [expletive], so I'd usually just get a couple bottles of bleach and a hose to deal with it.

The weirdest thing I saw on that job happened when I got called to fix a toilet in one of the ladies rooms. The thing was clogged, but whatever was in there was too solid to be a turd or paper. After snaking it out, a thing mummified in TP came emerged, which turned out to be a fairly sizeable vibrator. Apparently some chick just had the irresistible urge. Spencer's was right next door to the restroom, which may or may not have been related.

After a few rounds of janitorial turnover where I and another maintenance guy had to pick up the slack in between hires, I decided that the supplemental income wasn't worth it.

User avatar
kujay
Superstar
Posts: 19408
Joined: Sun Dec 04, 2005 7:46 am
Location: Kansas City

Re: [expletive] WORK THREAD

Postby kujay » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:36 pm

Our building has five floors. All except ours are pass key protected. People from other floors come to our floor to use our bathrooms, and they are apparently unhealthy, disgusting people. I do not understand for the life of me why they can't just destroy the heads on their own floor. And the kicker is we can't return the favor.
Just an average guy with exceptional hair. No more, no less.


Return to “Rants”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests