The Dangers of Edible Body Paint (Rated R)

User avatar
Posts: 11627
Joined: Wed Jul 14, 2004 10:53 pm
Location: LA

The Dangers of Edible Body Paint (Rated R)

Postby snoodmonger » Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:24 pm

When snoodmonger makes a campaign promise, he keeps it.

I had a girlfriend--I know, hard to believe. But it's true, I had a girlfriend, and she was a sweet, lovely, beautiful girl. There was almost nothing wrong with her, except for one glaring problem. She never initiated sex. And I mean NEVER. That meant I was forced to attempt seduction whenever I wanted sex; as a result, I was constantly pawing at her caveman-style, with varying degrees of success.

Now, there's nothing more disheartening than a failed attempt to disengage a woman from her panties, so ultimately I was forced to raise a complaint regarding her hesitation to initiate. And one night, in a gesture toward compromise that would have had even Henry Clay standing and applauding, she showed up to my house with three large jars of edible body paint.

Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, we used the paint, which came in strawberry, chocolate, and caramel flavors. It was, for all intents and purposes, ice cream syrup. The only differences between it and Smuckers were sexier packaging and a 35 dollar price point. Still, after a few fun (if not sticky) rounds in the sack, we decided we liked it and would keep it for future use. Into the refrigerator it went.

Fast forward about six months. I'd decided to move to St. Louis, but I was going to spend about 3 months in between apartment leases. My brother offered to let me stay in the garden apartment of the building he and his wife own. It was furnished and everything because when his wife's parents visit from Texas, that's where they stay. So I moved there, and the body paint moved with me. Here's the problem. When I moved to St. Louis, somehow I forgot the body paint.

The following Labor Day, my brother's parents-in-law visited from Texas. The way my brother described it, he and his wife were sitting in their living room when her mom called up to them.

"You guys want dessert?" she asked.

What a stupid question. Who doesn't love dessert? So they trundled downstairs, where the parents-in-law were making ice cream sundaes.

I can only imagine the look on my sister-in-law's face as she watched her mother ladle a heaping spoonful of strawberry sex paint onto a sundae and take an enormous bite. I mean, not a few months earlier, this stuff had been smeared on the darkest crevices of the human anatomy. Now her parents were using it in an impromptu ice cream social. It should be noted that the packaging for this stuff was not subtle. They came in glass jars with names like Caramel Cunnilingus and Chocolate Penetration. Strawberry Deflower. (CLASSY). It was pretty hard to mistake. Yet there they were just pouring it on. I guess when the mood for a sundae strikes, you have to be willing to make some concessions.

According to my brother, both he and his wife declined the dessert offer and went upstairs, simultaneously stifling laughter and nausea. It's a good thing they passed, too. My ex and I used the stuff more than a few times, and in the course of doing so, learned a few edible body paint tricks.

Trick number one—the easiest application technique for coating the penis is to dip directly into the containers.
Last edited by snoodmonger on Tue Jun 19, 2007 1:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
jersey cubs fan
Hall of Fame
Posts: 49519
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2007 12:38 pm

Postby jersey cubs fan » Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:26 pm

beautiful story

User avatar
Hall of Fame
Posts: 24547
Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:06 am
Location: Chicago

Postby C.C. » Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:27 pm

Touching family moment.

User avatar
Ding Dong Johnson
Crap Bag
Posts: 24935
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 9:42 pm
Location: Durnsville

Postby Ding Dong Johnson » Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:39 pm

brought a tear to my eye

User avatar
5-Time All-Star
Posts: 5145
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 12:52 pm
Location: Chicago Burbs

Postby swordsman » Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:49 pm

Bob Sanders wrote:brought a tear to my eye

...and a little bile to my gullet.
There are things you know and things you believe. When life kicks you in the breadbasket, all you have to cling to is what you believe 'cus all you know is hurt.

User avatar
Hall of Fame
Posts: 32939
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2006 1:21 pm
Location: Sacramento

Postby soccer10k » Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:56 pm

Wow. Great story.
In Theo we trust.


User avatar
5-Time All-Star
Posts: 7409
Joined: Wed May 25, 2005 1:49 am
Location: Chicago, IL

Postby Balsa » Mon Jun 18, 2007 1:10 pm

Wow, that's a great story. Hahahaha.

User avatar
Hall of Fame
Posts: 45384
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 6:33 pm
Location: Chicago

Postby David » Mon Jun 18, 2007 1:12 pm


User avatar
Posts: 1439
Joined: Fri May 09, 2003 1:29 pm
Location: Murray KY

Postby Amazing_Grace » Mon Jun 18, 2007 1:14 pm

This would very clearly fall under one of the personal rules I follow in life. "Never eat anything from the refrigerator unless you know what it is, who put it there, and when they put it there."
<This Space for Rent>

User avatar
is ELL
Posts: 47568
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2003 12:08 am
Location: Chicago Loop

Postby SouthSideRyan » Mon Jun 18, 2007 1:29 pm

Just tremendous.

User avatar
Fred Hornkohl
Inner-Circle HOF
Posts: 63216
Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2003 6:07 pm
Location: Algonquin, IL

Postby Fred Hornkohl » Mon Jun 18, 2007 2:19 pm

I was just about to go get lunch.... but, I think I'll wait a bit.

Chocolate Milk
5-Time All-Star
Posts: 6200
Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2005 8:25 am
Location: At the Planetarium with Some Ladies

Postby Chocolate Milk » Mon Jun 18, 2007 2:20 pm


User avatar
Posts: 3493
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2006 6:26 am
Location: Boston

Postby tfarks » Mon Jun 18, 2007 2:26 pm

You meant the easiest way to coat the penis was have her take a mouthful and then dip directly right?

User avatar
Posts: 1916
Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2004 10:38 pm
Location: Baton Rouge

Postby CDBears1259 » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:45 pm

WOW!!! :shock: Utterly hilarious. That had me laughing so hard I nearly started crying.

Geaux Cubs Geaux!!! Bear Down Chicago Bears!!! Geaux Tigers!!!

User avatar
5-Time All-Star
Posts: 7741
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2003 4:54 pm
Location: Chicago, IL (Andersonville)

Postby sethuel1 » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:48 pm

"Well, he's a natural infielder, so for him playing first base is probably a little easier than playing third base." -Joe Morgan

"He can load it up and put some weight in his pants when he wants to." -Phil Simms

User avatar
Posts: 4204
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2004 11:54 am
Location: PDX

Postby Shilzzz » Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:15 pm

and if they didn't already, my co-workers think i am weird because i erupted into a fit of laughter! great story!
yeezy taught me

User avatar
Inner-Circle HOF
Posts: 50813
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 8:47 am
Location: Perth, W.A.

Postby TruffleShuffle » Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:42 pm

what a spectacular story

Posts: 2096
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 8:42 pm

Postby Sarcastic » Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:43 pm

Yes, this is truly a great family site. :lol:

User avatar
Post Count Padder
Posts: 14017
Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2003 2:51 pm
Location: PSU @ University Park/State College

Postby Post Count Padder » Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:46 pm

:lol: That's one of the best stories I've ever heard. You can't write that kinda stuff.
formerly known as PriorPower



User avatar
Inner-Circle HOF
Posts: 84788
Joined: Sat Dec 27, 2003 8:20 am
Location: Pasadena, CA

Postby CaliforniaRaisin » Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:55 pm


User avatar
Posts: 685
Joined: Sun Oct 02, 2005 12:34 am
Location: Bloomington/Normal

Postby b_wiggy_66 » Mon Jun 18, 2007 8:07 pm

thats hilarious

User avatar
Posts: 1311
Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 11:11 am
Location: Logan Square

Postby MidoreX » Mon Jun 18, 2007 8:45 pm

Completely and utterly HILARIOUS! ...excellent use of Ratatat in your campaign video, btw.

User avatar
Curse You!
Posts: 56403
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 3:36 pm
Location: Kidding Myself

Postby Banedon » Mon Jun 18, 2007 8:52 pm

The delivery really makes the story. Well done.

da bears
5-Time All-Star
Posts: 5248
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 12:17 am
Location: mizzou

Postby da bears » Mon Jun 18, 2007 8:54 pm

That's something straight out of a movie. Awesome.

User avatar
Bunts Lick Butts
Posts: 28070
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 1:57 am

Postby Bunts Lick Butts » Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:46 pm

that was fantastic.

if that doesn't get you to round three, nothing will.
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 2412: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/posting.php:1)

Return to “Social”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest