random rants

[Sammy Sofa]

boy i sure wish my doctor hadn't prescribed me lorazepam for anxiety

Ha. No more deets? Just be careful. I've seen it's effectiveness wane pretty quickly after moderate use.

Thank you to anyone who reads. I know this comes across as selfish whining considering all the people dying from covid and the grief of their families, but I don't know where else to do this.

About a month ago I became ill with something called CHS (it's real) after using marijuana heavily for over a decade. It's basically severe cyclical vomiting and abdominal pain, and the only way to get rid of it is to stop using any marijuana and wait. The sever vomiting lasted about a week or so. When I got out of the hospital, I would only get nauseous after eating (CHS and acid reflux are related).

When I left, they gave me a prescription for lorazepam, since I was having anxiety. I've been on SSRIs and other stuff for my whole life for depression, anxiety, and ocd. I had a couple suicide attempts earlier in my life. Weed was masking my issues it for many years. But when they prescribed me the lorazepam, they gave me no warning to how addictive and harmful it could be. I knew it was addictive, but they told me I'd be completely fine just using it for a couple weeks until I was fully over the CHS and potential marijuana withdrawals. I didn't realize how bad benzos were. And the thing is, I took way less than prescribed, just to be safe. They gave me 2mg tablets that I was supposed to take 2-3x per day. I never took more than 1, and usually I only took a half. I thought that would be fine.

So I started using it when I got out of the hospital, and my mood started getting better and better over the week or so after I got out. I was still physically having the vomiting episodes, but they were mild and tolerable. Mentally, I felt I was getting back to "normal" and was optimistic. Then I stopped the Ativan. The first couple days off it I noticed my anxiety spike, but I was managing it. The next 2 days, it got worse than I had ever experienced. This weekend, I have exploded with anxiety and depression. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up with an immense feeling of pressure in my entire body. It is unbearable. I went to the ER and they told me I had already developed a dependence, and I needed to be tapered off. So now I have a taper plan that goes through the weekend. I still feel terrible but I'm absolutely terrified of how I'm going to deal with it when I have to fully come off.

I'm not going to lie. I've been suicidal the last 2 days. I'm sharing that here because I can't share it with anyone I know, out of fear that they will Baker Act me (involuntarily admission to a mental hospital). The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that it would absolutely destroy my mom. I can't do it to her. But now I feel trapped. I've had bad depression bouts in my life, but I never knew I was capable of feeling like this. I'm crying constantly and then the bad thoughts come. Then I think of leaving me family and the pain it would cause, and it escalates it.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have any close friends I can share this with, and I try not to burden my family too much with it. They know I'm struggling, but they have no idea how bad it really is. I'm just really scared and I'm looking for anything that can help.

Call 1-800-273-8255 now. We're here for you, but you need to talk to a counselor ASAP.

[17 Seconds]

Ha. No more deets? Just be careful. I've seen it's effectiveness wane pretty quickly after moderate use.

Thank you to anyone who reads. I know this comes across as selfish whining considering all the people dying from covid and the grief of their families, but I don't know where else to do this.

About a month ago I became ill with something called CHS (it's real) after using marijuana heavily for over a decade. It's basically severe cyclical vomiting and abdominal pain, and the only way to get rid of it is to stop using any marijuana and wait. The sever vomiting lasted about a week or so. When I got out of the hospital, I would only get nauseous after eating (CHS and acid reflux are related).

When I left, they gave me a prescription for lorazepam, since I was having anxiety. I've been on SSRIs and other stuff for my whole life for depression, anxiety, and ocd. I had a couple suicide attempts earlier in my life. Weed was masking my issues it for many years. But when they prescribed me the lorazepam, they gave me no warning to how addictive and harmful it could be. I knew it was addictive, but they told me I'd be completely fine just using it for a couple weeks until I was fully over the CHS and potential marijuana withdrawals. I didn't realize how bad benzos were. And the thing is, I took way less than prescribed, just to be safe. They gave me 2mg tablets that I was supposed to take 2-3x per day. I never took more than 1, and usually I only took a half. I thought that would be fine.

So I started using it when I got out of the hospital, and my mood started getting better and better over the week or so after I got out. I was still physically having the vomiting episodes, but they were mild and tolerable. Mentally, I felt I was getting back to "normal" and was optimistic. Then I stopped the Ativan. The first couple days off it I noticed my anxiety spike, but I was managing it. The next 2 days, it got worse than I had ever experienced. This weekend, I have exploded with anxiety and depression. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up with an immense feeling of pressure in my entire body. It is unbearable. I went to the ER and they told me I had already developed a dependence, and I needed to be tapered off. So now I have a taper plan that goes through the weekend. I still feel terrible but I'm absolutely terrified of how I'm going to deal with it when I have to fully come off.

I'm not going to lie. I've been suicidal the last 2 days. I'm sharing that here because I can't share it with anyone I know, out of fear that they will Baker Act me (involuntarily admission to a mental hospital). The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that it would absolutely destroy my mom. I can't do it to her. But now I feel trapped. I've had bad depression bouts in my life, but I never knew I was capable of feeling like this. I'm crying constantly and then the bad thoughts come. Then I think of leaving me family and the pain it would cause, and it escalates it.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have any close friends I can share this with, and I try not to burden my family too much with it. They know I'm struggling, but they have no idea how bad it really is. I'm just really scared and I'm looking for anything that can help.

Call 1-800-273-8255 now. We're here for you, but you need to talk to a counselor ASAP.

I've done that. My problems are beyond words. It doesn't help me at all. I also have a good support system, but that doesn't change what the chemicals in my brain are doing to me.

[17 Seconds]

I have to ask, isn't Baker Act better than the alternative?

I think you should either talk about this with someone you know, and/or get yourself checked in. If not, I'm around if you just want to text chat about things.

it's probably inevitable that i end up there, but i at least want to wait until after christmas so i don't completely ruin the holiday for them. my mom deserves so much better.

[Sammy Sofa]

I hear you, but talking is still the thing to do. Or them talking and you listening. Call them back.

[Ding Dong Johnson]

I have to ask, isn't Baker Act better than the alternative?

I think you should either talk about this with someone you know, and/or get yourself checked in. If not, I'm around if you just want to text chat about things.

it's probably inevitable that i end up there, but i at least want to wait until after christmas so i don't completely ruin the holiday for them. my mom deserves so much better.

As a parent, there isn’t anything more important to me than the wellbeing of my children. Holidays be damned, take care of yourself ASAP.

[Cubswin11]

Yeah man go get help now. Holiday’s and Christmas be damned, if you’re in that bad of a spot don’t wait. Jump in now to get help and forget this Holiday season and Christmas and get right for a bunch of future Holiday seasons with your mom and loved ones.

[Rob]

I have to ask, isn't Baker Act better than the alternative?

I think you should either talk about this with someone you know, and/or get yourself checked in. If not, I'm around if you just want to text chat about things.

it's probably inevitable that i end up there, but i at least want to wait until after christmas so i don't completely ruin the holiday for them. my mom deserves so much better.

As a parent, there isn’t anything more important to me than the wellbeing of my children. Holidays be damned, take care of yourself ASAP.

This so much. I would 1000% rather have a crappy Christmas than see my children suffer for a single day. The best Christmas gift you can give her is to get help.

We are all rooting for you.

[UMFan83]

Haven’t seen 17 seconds on since this exchange. Was thinking of him today. Hope you are doing ok and got the help you needed, merry Christmas!

[minnesotacubsfan]

17, I hope you are ok. Love our convos on here about B'Hawks, Bears, everything. Hang in there.

If it helps you to know I've suffered from anxiety and depression as well in my life. I take long breaks from pot and beer because of it. I'm thinking about you.

[weis21]

Just read this. Hope you are OK and hopefully beginning to feel better. Everybody is rooting for you.

[big ball chunky time]

boy i sure wish my doctor hadn't prescribed me lorazepam for anxiety

Ha. No more deets? Just be careful. I've seen it's effectiveness wane pretty quickly after moderate use.

Thank you to anyone who reads. I know this comes across as selfish whining considering all the people dying from covid and the grief of their families, but I don't know where else to do this.

About a month ago I became ill with something called CHS (it's real) after using marijuana heavily for over a decade. It's basically severe cyclical vomiting and abdominal pain, and the only way to get rid of it is to stop using any marijuana and wait. The sever vomiting lasted about a week or so. When I got out of the hospital, I would only get nauseous after eating (CHS and acid reflux are related).

When I left, they gave me a prescription for lorazepam, since I was having anxiety. I've been on SSRIs and other stuff for my whole life for depression, anxiety, and ocd. I had a couple suicide attempts earlier in my life. Weed was masking my issues it for many years. But when they prescribed me the lorazepam, they gave me no warning to how addictive and harmful it could be. I knew it was addictive, but they told me I'd be completely fine just using it for a couple weeks until I was fully over the CHS and potential marijuana withdrawals. I didn't realize how bad benzos were. And the thing is, I took way less than prescribed, just to be safe. They gave me 2mg tablets that I was supposed to take 2-3x per day. I never took more than 1, and usually I only took a half. I thought that would be fine.

So I started using it when I got out of the hospital, and my mood started getting better and better over the week or so after I got out. I was still physically having the vomiting episodes, but they were mild and tolerable. Mentally, I felt I was getting back to "normal" and was optimistic. Then I stopped the Ativan. The first couple days off it I noticed my anxiety spike, but I was managing it. The next 2 days, it got worse than I had ever experienced. This weekend, I have exploded with anxiety and depression. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up with an immense feeling of pressure in my entire body. It is unbearable. I went to the ER and they told me I had already developed a dependence, and I needed to be tapered off. So now I have a taper plan that goes through the weekend. I still feel terrible but I'm absolutely terrified of how I'm going to deal with it when I have to fully come off.

I'm not going to lie. I've been suicidal the last 2 days. I'm sharing that here because I can't share it with anyone I know, out of fear that they will Baker Act me (involuntarily admission to a mental hospital). The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that it would absolutely destroy my mom. I can't do it to her. But now I feel trapped. I've had bad depression bouts in my life, but I never knew I was capable of feeling like this. I'm crying constantly and then the bad thoughts come. Then I think of leaving me family and the pain it would cause, and it escalates it.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have any close friends I can share this with, and I try not to burden my family too much with it. They know I'm struggling, but they have no idea how bad it really is. I'm just really scared and I'm looking for anything that can help.

This sounds exactly like my brother (except he was drinking rather than smoking.) He eventually killed himself and I know I wish and my parents wish he would have come to us and told us in capital letters I AM FEELING SUICIDAL. tell them, let them help you get help. You can't fight it on your own.

[minnesotacubsfan]

Come on 17, post something. I'm worried about you

[17 Seconds]

sorry. i baker acted myself, and they don't let you keep your phone. i don't really have much to say except that i'm still here. thanks for all the words.

[Tim]

sorry. i baker acted myself, and they don't let you keep your phone. i don't really have much to say except that i'm still here. thanks for all the words.

Thank you for posting. And please, let the important people in your life know about your struggles so they can help you.

[CoolHandLuke]

I think this is the happiest I've ever felt after reading an nsbb post.

[weis21]

I think this is the happiest I've ever felt after reading an nsbb post.

I somehow stumbled upon this place damn near 20 years ago. And it feels like a family of sorts.

Anyway. Don’t post a ton all the time but read often. Love to you all.

Thinking of you,17 seconds.

[minnesotacubsfan]

sorry. i baker acted myself, and they don't let you keep your phone. i don't really have much to say except that i'm still here. thanks for all the words.

you're far stronger than you are giving yourself credit for, even if it doesn't seem that way. We'd miss you too much around here; your screen name always brings a smile to my face.

[squally1313]

Seems like I wasn't the only one checking this thread multiple times a day hoping for a good update. Hang in there bud.

[stitchface]

sorry. i baker acted myself, and they don't let you keep your phone. i don't really have much to say except that i'm still here. thanks for all the words.

Know you're not alone.

[Derwood]

WOW cable has been digging up yards in my neighborhood for two weeks, burying cable, etc. Today they were in my backyard and now my internet is out. Neighbors have said that their internet has been disconnected by these workers without notification. Both kids have online school tomorrow and my wife works from home, so this is a major pain in the ass

[javy knows my name]

Ha. No more deets? Just be careful. I've seen it's effectiveness wane pretty quickly after moderate use.

Thank you to anyone who reads. I know this comes across as selfish whining considering all the people dying from covid and the grief of their families, but I don't know where else to do this.

About a month ago I became ill with something called CHS (it's real) after using marijuana heavily for over a decade. It's basically severe cyclical vomiting and abdominal pain, and the only way to get rid of it is to stop using any marijuana and wait. The sever vomiting lasted about a week or so. When I got out of the hospital, I would only get nauseous after eating (CHS and acid reflux are related).

When I left, they gave me a prescription for lorazepam, since I was having anxiety. I've been on SSRIs and other stuff for my whole life for depression, anxiety, and ocd. I had a couple suicide attempts earlier in my life. Weed was masking my issues it for many years. But when they prescribed me the lorazepam, they gave me no warning to how addictive and harmful it could be. I knew it was addictive, but they told me I'd be completely fine just using it for a couple weeks until I was fully over the CHS and potential marijuana withdrawals. I didn't realize how bad benzos were. And the thing is, I took way less than prescribed, just to be safe. They gave me 2mg tablets that I was supposed to take 2-3x per day. I never took more than 1, and usually I only took a half. I thought that would be fine.

So I started using it when I got out of the hospital, and my mood started getting better and better over the week or so after I got out. I was still physically having the vomiting episodes, but they were mild and tolerable. Mentally, I felt I was getting back to "normal" and was optimistic. Then I stopped the Ativan. The first couple days off it I noticed my anxiety spike, but I was managing it. The next 2 days, it got worse than I had ever experienced. This weekend, I have exploded with anxiety and depression. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up with an immense feeling of pressure in my entire body. It is unbearable. I went to the ER and they told me I had already developed a dependence, and I needed to be tapered off. So now I have a taper plan that goes through the weekend. I still feel terrible but I'm absolutely terrified of how I'm going to deal with it when I have to fully come off.

I'm not going to lie. I've been suicidal the last 2 days. I'm sharing that here because I can't share it with anyone I know, out of fear that they will Baker Act me (involuntarily admission to a mental hospital). The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that it would absolutely destroy my mom. I can't do it to her. But now I feel trapped. I've had bad depression bouts in my life, but I never knew I was capable of feeling like this. I'm crying constantly and then the bad thoughts come. Then I think of leaving me family and the pain it would cause, and it escalates it.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have any close friends I can share this with, and I try not to burden my family too much with it. They know I'm struggling, but they have no idea how bad it really is. I'm just really scared and I'm looking for anything that can help.

This sounds exactly like my brother (except he was drinking rather than smoking.) He eventually killed himself and I know I wish and my parents wish he would have come to us and told us in capital letters I AM FEELING SUICIDAL. tell them, let them help you get help. You can't fight it on your own.

IMB, I still can't listen to June Hymn without hearing your brother's beautiful cover of it. What a talent, and what a tragic loss. Thank you for sharing again, my friend.

How are you doing right now, Dex?

[17 Seconds]

i'm alright. mentally i feel better than i did, but physically i have a lot of stuff going on right now. i'm still dealing with CHS and i'm on new medicine so it's hard to tell what is causing what. i've had a terrible headache for 2 weeks now and it's really crushing my spirit. i feel like i can't move or it starts to throb. i think it might be from buspirone, but i don't really know.

thank you for asking, and thank you to anyone who responded or sent me PMs. it really does mean a lot, even though i've never actually met any of you. over the last decade or so i've come to view this place as a really good place full of quality human beings, even though i've spent a lot of that time starting dumb arguments.

[JudasIscariotTheBird]

i'm alright. mentally i feel better than i did, but physically i have a lot of stuff going on right now. i'm still dealing with CHS and i'm on new medicine so it's hard to tell what is causing what. i've had a terrible headache for 2 weeks now and it's really crushing my spirit. i feel like i can't move or it starts to throb. i think it might be from buspirone, but i don't really know.

thank you for asking, and thank you to anyone who responded or sent me PMs. it really does mean a lot, even though i've never actually met any of you. over the last decade or so i've come to view this place as a really good place full of quality human beings, even though i've spent a lot of that time starting dumb arguments.

What are we if not dumb arguments?

[CubinNY]

i'm alright. mentally i feel better than i did, but physically i have a lot of stuff going on right now. i'm still dealing with CHS and i'm on new medicine so it's hard to tell what is causing what. i've had a terrible headache for 2 weeks now and it's really crushing my spirit. i feel like i can't move or it starts to throb. i think it might be from buspirone, but i don't really know.

thank you for asking, and thank you to anyone who responded or sent me PMs. it really does mean a lot, even though i've never actually met any of you. over the last decade or so i've come to view this place as a really good place full of quality human beings, even though i've spent a lot of that time starting dumb arguments.

I've struggled with untreatable depression bouts for most of my adult life and have PTSD. The thing that has helped me more than anything is learning to do mindfulness meditation. It's better than any anti-depressant, weed, or anything else I've tried on my own. I can't meditate on my own so I use guided meditation with a phone app called Mindfulness. There are other apps too. If you are in an area where there is a therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I'd try to find them.

It's impossible to describe in words the burden of depression. I am rooting for you and if there is anything I can do to help you, I will. You can DM if you want to talk.

[17 Seconds]

i'm alright. mentally i feel better than i did, but physically i have a lot of stuff going on right now. i'm still dealing with CHS and i'm on new medicine so it's hard to tell what is causing what. i've had a terrible headache for 2 weeks now and it's really crushing my spirit. i feel like i can't move or it starts to throb. i think it might be from buspirone, but i don't really know.

thank you for asking, and thank you to anyone who responded or sent me PMs. it really does mean a lot, even though i've never actually met any of you. over the last decade or so i've come to view this place as a really good place full of quality human beings, even though i've spent a lot of that time starting dumb arguments.

I've struggled with untreatable depression bouts for most of my adult life and have PTSD. The thing that has helped me more than anything is learning to do mindfulness meditation. It's better than any anti-depressant, weed, or anything else I've tried on my own. I can't meditate on my own so I use guided meditation with a phone app called Mindfulness. There are other apps too. If you are in an area where there is a therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I'd try to find them.

It's impossible to describe in words the burden of depression. I am rooting for you and if there is anything I can do to help you, I will. You can DM if you want to talk.

I will try that app, thanks.