Work Jerks

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Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:31 pm

People who horsefeathering clip their nails at work at their desk should be on some kind of a watch list. They almost certainly have bodies in their basements.

And there's TWO of these people in my office.

Shame your Work Jerks here.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby David » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:32 pm

fish in the microwave person is always the worst offender on these lists
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:36 pm

I'm stuck next to a guy who always seems to be chewing as loudly as possible with his mouth open ON PURPOSE.

He also does this weird, holding his breath and straining/groaning like he's trying to simultaneously poop out a turd baby and pop a blood vessel at the same time-stretch in his seat multiple times a day.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby jersey cubs fan » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:36 pm

new guy is a nail clipper, I want him dead
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby David » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:38 pm

Sammy Sofa wrote:I'm stuck next to a guy who always seems to be chewing as loudly as possible with his mouth open ON PURPOSE.

He also does this weird, holding his breath and straining/groaning like he's trying to simultaneously poop out a turd baby and pop a blood vessel at the same time-stretch in his seat multiple times a day.



our IT guy breathes exclusively through his mouth, very loudly and heavily. can hear him coming from all the way down the hall. i feel bad for pointing it out because he's obviously not the healthiest of dudes and probably can't help it, but damn if it isn't like nails on a chalkboard to me.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:41 pm

David wrote:
Sammy Sofa wrote:I'm stuck next to a guy who always seems to be chewing as loudly as possible with his mouth open ON PURPOSE.

He also does this weird, holding his breath and straining/groaning like he's trying to simultaneously poop out a turd baby and pop a blood vessel at the same time-stretch in his seat multiple times a day.



our IT guy breathes exclusively through his mouth, very loudly and heavily. can hear him coming from all the way down the hall. i feel bad for pointing it out because he's obviously not the healthiest of dudes and probably can't help it, but damn if it isn't like nails on a chalkboard to me.


Yeah, these types of guys are kind of the best motivation whenever I'm getting annoyed eating an apple or some cucumber or whatever. This guy is always sighing and grunting and huffing and puffing over just getting in and out of his chair. And he'll be out of breath with the giant, way too expensive lunch he buys every day from the cafeteria, which he then proceeds to douse in salt and then devour like it's trying to run away from him. And then he'll always just toss the massive amount of takeout plastic and utensils he uses every day right in the trash, despite recycling bins/cans being EVERYWHERE.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby jehr » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:51 pm

I kind of want to go to work and clip my nails now.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Derwood » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:04 pm

Thank jebus I have my own office
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby UMFan83 » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:06 pm

At first glance the title of this thread made me believe this was an entirely different NSFW topic
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:07 pm

UMFan83 wrote:At first glance the title of this thread made me believe this was an entirely different NSFW topic


Also applies to "bathroom nightmares," and, if you wanna get freaky, "food monstrosities," too.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby TBS Playoffs Insider » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:08 pm

the worst person i ever worked with, an imb joint

I'm going to share one story at a time about this woman

today's edition

My second newspaper job was a design/editing position that entailed me working weekends. It didn't suck, in fact, it was extremely good. I would roll in about 2 p.m., have the entire building to myself, get my early work done by 3 p.m., then chill until about 8 p.m. when crunch-time hit.

We had no dedicated weekend reporter, so that meant that the reporters were on call one weekend at a time. Once their weekend passed, they went to the bottom of the list. It was a smallish town so most weekends it wasn't necessary for anything to be written and I would work almost my entire day without seeing another human. Best case scenario.

The woman who worked directly behind me had a husband who was one of those chips guys at the grocery store. He worked for a vendor or whatever and his entire job consisted of driving a truck of chips to different grocery stores and stocking the shelves. So this woman had a BOUNTY of snacks, it was insane. She had the largest desk space in the newsroom and I really think that the reason no one griped about it was because of the giant box of snacks she had.

So one Sunday I get to my desk and like I said I'm the only one there. Suddenly in walks this reporter, who I'll call CS. CS was by far the oddest person I'd ever met in my life (I had previously worked with a guy I would have described as the oddest person ever, but when I met CS she took the mantle. They eventually got married, true story.)

So she comes in and walks right past me. Like I said it was really quiet in there but there's no way she could have missed me. I had music on, the light on my desk was on, the computer was running, I was typing. She knew I was there.

She walks behind me to get to the snack box. The lady who ran the snack box had a strict one-snack a day policy, but she was not there on the weekends and when the cat's away, the mice will play.

So CS is rummaging around behind me, bent over at the box digging through it to find whatever she was after, when she grunted and let out - no joke - a fart that had to last at least 15 seconds. She must have deflated like a balloon. She was close enough that I'm pretty sure I felt the gust.

I had not been working there that long, and since my M-F schedule saw me come in at 5 p.m. (reporters would leave by 6 p.m. usually) I didn't know these people very well. My initial thought was like ok she must not know I'm here, this is going to be embarrassing for her, how do I handle this when she realizes I was here and she farted on me accidentally?

But she just briskly walked past my desk, nodded and said hello, and went over to start writing.

When I got a new position there and worked with the reporters more during the day, I discovered she would loudly fart at her desk multiple times a day, say "excuse me," and move on with her life like it was no big deal.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:11 pm

I too worked with an old lady seemingly filled with gigantic farts, except she was about four feet tall, made Derwood look fat, and had the temperament that went along with being a tiny old lady of about 98 named "Grace."
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Brian707 » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:34 pm

Guy at work, on Election Day chuckling and yelling loudly that some " stupid Democrat" was buying everyone at McDonald's free coffee and then over and over saying how could anyone with half a brain that wasn't sucking on the government tit vote democrat.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Ding Dong Johnson » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:42 pm

UMFan83 wrote:At first glance the title of this thread made me believe this was an entirely different NSFW topic

same. and since I work from home a lot, they are aplenty
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Agony and Ivy » Sat Nov 10, 2018 12:02 am

Halloween is a giant parade of horsefeathers in every office but it's worse when you work for a startup, go into the office like 2 times a month and everyone that isn't in management is between 22 and 25 years old. Any adult that wears a costume should be sent to Gitmo.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammys Boombox » Sat Nov 10, 2018 2:24 pm

I work from home answering technical questions for our customers through a call line. I absolutely love having my basement office where I get to control the thermostat, put whatever I want on TV, play with my kids toys (miniature hockey, basketball, etc). And on Monday and Friday the wife and kids are at home, so it’s cool walking upstairs for a few minutes to say hi.

The vast majority of our callers are pretty good, actually. But there are a handful that when you see their names pop up on the screen you immediately get deflated.

We have one guy who calls for help, but then he just talks constantly without really saying anything. “I did this and that and then tried some other stuff and it’s not working.” But he literally just says “this and that”. No details whatsoever. He never lets you talk. I’m serious when I say that I listened to him talk for 90 minutes yesterday and did not once ever ask him a question or provide him any information, but he finally figured out whatever it was he was trying to do. I’m still not sure what he was even trying to do. Every now and then he would take a breath from his ramblings to ask if I was still there. That’s pretty much the only time I talked.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby chopsx9 » Sat Nov 10, 2018 5:54 pm

Worked in the back office of an investment firm. There were long desks that had 3 workstations on either side. The guy that worked next to me would eat cereal at his desk every morning and would do so without closing his mouth when he was chewing. He was so loud that people one set of workstations away would lift there heads to see what the noise was when he started eating. He would need to wipe down his area of the desk afterwards because there was milk splattered everywhere.

Same guy had a big bag of Lays chips that he was eating at his desk. He turns to me and asks if I want any. I don't really like chips but in the interest of fostering a good working relationship (he annoyed me for a multitude of other reasons) I said sure. I reach in to grab a couple and find that they are all moist. I could go on.

Lady who worked across from me would talk to herself while working. I tired several times to passive aggressively deal with the situation by replying to her mutterings with "Sorry what was that", "Sorry, what did you need?" etc without any luck.

I will say that a lot of people annoy me. I'm relatively sure I'm not the problem. 50/50 anyway.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby javy knows my name » Sat Nov 10, 2018 6:22 pm

Sammys Boombox wrote:I work from home answering technical questions for our customers through a call line. I absolutely love having my basement office where I get to control the thermostat, put whatever I want on TV, play with my kids toys (miniature hockey, basketball, etc). And on Monday and Friday the wife and kids are at home, so it’s cool walking upstairs for a few minutes to say hi.

The vast majority of our callers are pretty good, actually. But there are a handful that when you see their names pop up on the screen you immediately get deflated.

We have one guy who calls for help, but then he just talks constantly without really saying anything. “I did this and that and then tried some other stuff and it’s not working.” But he literally just says “this and that”. No details whatsoever. He never lets you talk. I’m serious when I say that I listened to him talk for 90 minutes yesterday and did not once ever ask him a question or provide him any information, but he finally figured out whatever it was he was trying to do. I’m still not sure what he was even trying to do. Every now and then he would take a breath from his ramblings to ask if I was still there. That’s pretty much the only time I talked.


One of my favorite things about my current job as a consultant is that I am expected to interrupt people who ramble on aimlessly and ruthlessly get to the heart of the matter. At my early jobs in customer service, that was not something I had the freedom to do, and I hated it. I think a lot of those frequent callers are just lonely and want to take advantage of a captive audience, but that's totally not fair to the person of the other line
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammys Boombox » Sat Nov 10, 2018 6:30 pm

javy knows my name wrote:
Sammys Boombox wrote:I work from home answering technical questions for our customers through a call line. I absolutely love having my basement office where I get to control the thermostat, put whatever I want on TV, play with my kids toys (miniature hockey, basketball, etc). And on Monday and Friday the wife and kids are at home, so it’s cool walking upstairs for a few minutes to say hi.

The vast majority of our callers are pretty good, actually. But there are a handful that when you see their names pop up on the screen you immediately get deflated.

We have one guy who calls for help, but then he just talks constantly without really saying anything. “I did this and that and then tried some other stuff and it’s not working.” But he literally just says “this and that”. No details whatsoever. He never lets you talk. I’m serious when I say that I listened to him talk for 90 minutes yesterday and did not once ever ask him a question or provide him any information, but he finally figured out whatever it was he was trying to do. I’m still not sure what he was even trying to do. Every now and then he would take a breath from his ramblings to ask if I was still there. That’s pretty much the only time I talked.


One of my favorite things about my current job as a consultant is that I am expected to interrupt people who ramble on aimlessly and ruthlessly get to the heart of the matter. At my early jobs in customer service, that was not something I had the freedom to do, and I hated it. I think a lot of those frequent callers are just lonely and want to take advantage of a captive audience, but that's totally not fair to the person of the other line


Thankfully, all that our supervisors really care about is one question on our surveys: “Did we answer your question?” The rest of the questions on the surveys we send out don’t matter. So, we get to gauge how to interact with each person on our own. Most of the time being forward and interrupting to get to the root of the problem is appreciated by our customers. That’s what makes this guy the exception.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sat Nov 10, 2018 7:14 pm

chopsx9 wrote:Worked in the back office of an investment firm. There were long desks that had 3 workstations on either side. The guy that worked next to me would eat cereal at his desk every morning and would do so without closing his mouth when he was chewing. He was so loud that people one set of workstations away would lift there heads to see what the noise was when he started eating. He would need to wipe down his area of the desk afterwards because there was milk splattered everywhere.


One of the nail clipper fiends in my office I mentioned before is also a very, very strange cereal person. On top of having a full lunch-type meal (sandwich and sides, fried chicken and sides, etc.) each day, he also eats two Ziplock bags full of cereal every day. Not the sandwich-size bags, and not the giant freezer ones....but the pretty damn big size in between. Dude eats them straight out of the bag with a spoon...and no milk. His diet is pure garbage (the cereals are always things like Cap'n Crunch or Frosted Mini-Wheats; he's not even trying there), but he is annoyingly thin. Like, not even close to being overweight.

He also has this VERY loud way of clearing his throat that sounds like someone severely constipated attempting that final push to finally unleash the demon turd. He makes this noise at LEAST 20 times a day.

Oh, and he's black and watches Fox News all day and parrots their talking points every chance he gets. Including the racist ones. But he also makes sure to watch Ellen every day and guffaw every few minutes at what he's seeing (this guy's laugh basically sounds like an alien or a psychopath who vaguely understands the concept of laughing, but can't really actually do it, so it just comes out in these very abrupt, violent bursts).

He also has a teenage stepdaughter whom he talks VERY inappropriately about "putting over his knee" all the horsefeathering time.

Basically if anyone ends up shooting up the place, I'm banking on him. Something broke his brain a long time ago.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby cl smooth » Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:39 pm

i worked at a plumbing supply company from '01-'05 in addison and itasca. out of the 100+ employees i interacted with during my time at this company, i would say 90-95% were either mentally ill, thieves/embezzlers, skeezy scumbags or had some sort of social disease. one woman in particular, my co-worker in the file room, did the following from the period of july 2001 to november 2002:

* discussed at length about going home on her lunch break, taking off all of her clothes and waiting on the couch butt-ass naked for her husband to also come home from lunch and horsefeathers her BUT her husband just walked right past her into the kitchen and made himself a sandwich. please note: physically, she was a mix between the landlord from kingpin and beetlejuice and she was only 37 years old.
* kept her son's dread locked hair in her office desk drawer as a keepsake.
* french-kissed her son in front of me and another co-worker on multiple occasions.
* came into work for a week straight wearing what was a mix between a dress slip and a nightgown while sick with pneumonia.
* had her dread lock-rocking son sleep in her car during the work day since her 1st husband kicked him out of the house.
* had said son apply for a job in the warehouse knowing full well he was a pothead and watched him fail the company's drug test after he worked a week on the job.
* spoke, at length, about her 2nd husband, who worked in a hobby store, meeting DMX at said hobby store and how they had a deep discussion about either model trains or model airplanes.
* also spoke at length about wanting to horsefeathers colin farrell.

other winners at this company included:

* a short, irish man who physically was a mix of the actor clint howard and big boss, the villain from the 80s cartoon c.o.p.s.. he was 50+ and lived with his mother. he would hire attractive females to work in the billing department with him and would then sexually harass them.

* the treasurer who was a splitting image of barney gumble and jim hendry. would walk around the office with dress slacks, an un-tucked white dress shirt and dirty new balance sneakers that were untied. his car (a car paid for by the company) was filled with potato chip bags, old fast food containers, empty soda bottles and dirty napkins. he would eventually be under investigation for money laundering, money fraud and a few
other serious charges and fled the country with his lawyer. one of the ladies in the human resources department put his wife on payroll while she sat at home and did nothing.

* a gentleman who worked in the credit department who was 6'7" in height, bit his fingernails down to the lunula/cuticle and would then proceed to tuck them into the back of his pants...we're talking IN HIS PANTS/IN HIS BUTT CRACK. around thanksgiving, the office had a pot lock so he brings in homemade chili with shredded cheese on the side. he serves everyone a bowl of chili and proceeds to put those dirty horsefeathering fingers into a bowl of shredded cheese and place the cheese into everyone's bowl of chili. he also had no problem dropping the n word whenever he felt like it. note: he was a die-hard white sox fan and could never pronounce people's names correctly. he would repeatedly call peter gammons peter gannon which made me wonder why the hell he kept talking about espn reporters and the legend of zelda in the same conversation.

* after the woman i worked with above was fired in november 2002, she was replaced with the mother of a co-worker who worked in accounts receivable. she was a big cubs fan so we listened to the entire 2003 season on wgn radio together. other than that, she was a headcase. she was 60 years old, knew nothing about computers and never stopped talking about the south beach diet. "ALWAYS EAT IN MODERATION!" she would tell me. she also was deathly afraid of michael jackson. since she was so bad at computers, i would change the desktop of her computer to images of michael jackson every day when she went to lunch and she couldn't figure out how to change it back to the original desktop picture.

i could go on and on about this company and rest of the goofballs but that's another post for another time.
Last edited by cl smooth on Sun Nov 11, 2018 1:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:50 am

cl smooth wrote:* spoke, at length, about her 2nd husband, who worked in a hobby store, meeting DMX at said hobby store and how they had a deep discussion about either model trails or model airplanes.


horsefeathers, I desperately hope that this really happened.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby minnesotacubsfan » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:01 am

you people have pet peeves, these aren't actual work jerx. a work jerk is someone who yells at you that you "look like a [expletive] serial rapist" or wants to use your professional license to develop a sex club against your wishes.
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Re: Work Jerks

Postby Sammy Sofa » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:10 am

minnesotacubsfan wrote:a work jerk is someone who yells at you that you "look like a [expletive] serial rapist"


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Re: Work Jerks

Postby minnesotacubsfan » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:21 am

Sammy Sofa wrote:
minnesotacubsfan wrote:a work jerk is someone who yells at you that you "look like a [expletive] serial rapist"


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yea. I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry over that one. Thank god i don't work with them anymore.
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