Bathroom Nightmares

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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:40 pm

I feel like I have so little to add to this thread now since I poop like a [expletive] champion these days. If I'm [expletive] at work, it means I'm sick and I'm going home, otherwise there's no need for it.

I also went full bidet like a true pooping champion does, and the idea of regularly subjecting my champion butthole to toilet paper, much less WORK toilet paper, is a monstrous idea.

People, eat plenty of fiber and get a fancy squirtgun for your butt fixed to your toilet and thank me later.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby jersey cubs fan » Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:55 pm

Sammy Sofa wrote:I feel like I have so little to add to this thread now since I poop like a [expletive] champion these days. If I'm [expletive] at work, it means I'm sick and I'm going home, otherwise there's no need for it.

I also went full bidet like a true pooping champion does, and the idea of regularly subjecting my champion butthole to toilet paper, much less WORK toilet paper, is a monstrous idea.

People, eat plenty of fiber and get a fancy squirtgun for your butt fixed to your toilet and thank me later.

That's first thing on my list for home upgrades.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby JudasIscariotTheBird » Fri Oct 12, 2018 10:30 pm

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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Ding Dong Johnson » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:41 am

my eyes flew out of my head the first time I felt the burst from a bidet, but I quickly realized I didn’t know what a good horsefeathers was until the next time I pooped without
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sosa21MVP » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:50 am

I did a weekend trip recently and while the hotel was really nice overall, they had some sandpaper grade toilet paper. I think I'm going to start packing my own roll from now on.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:58 am

Sosa21MVP wrote:I did a weekend trip recently and while the hotel was really nice overall, they had some sandpaper grade toilet paper. I think I'm going to start packing my own roll from now on.


Treat yo' self, dammit:

https://www.brondell.com/gospa-travel-bidet/
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Cubswin11 » Sat Oct 13, 2018 3:45 am

I have a good friend who works for Kohler. He got one of their $1,000 toilet seats that has a built in bidet for like $200 at an employee sale or got a prototype for free because he was marketing it or something..... but the story goes he bought a house recently and installed it himself and didn’t do it properly and it somehow ended up running all day in their master bathroom and flooding most of the upstairs flooring and first floor ceiling while him and his wife were at work and they had to rip out tons of flooring and drywall because of it. Ended up a repair north of $10,000 and anyways that’s my bidet story.
Last edited by Cubswin11 on Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:05 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Derwood » Sat Oct 13, 2018 3:49 am

I've never used a bidet. I know how they work (in theory) but......do you need to keep some special "ass towel" around to dry yourself off?
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sat Oct 13, 2018 4:03 am

Derwood wrote:I've never used a bidet. I know how they work (in theory) but......do you need to keep some special "ass towel" around to dry yourself off?


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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Derwood » Sat Oct 13, 2018 4:06 am

So it doesn't save you on TP, just cleaner excavating. Got it
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sat Oct 13, 2018 4:10 am

Derwood wrote:So it doesn't save you on TP, just cleaner excavating. Got it


Ponder this one for a moment, Derwood. Ponder it well, and then report back.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby javy knows my name » Sat Oct 13, 2018 4:48 am

This thread is a constant delight
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby treebird » Sat Oct 13, 2018 7:07 pm

Sammy Sofa wrote:
Sosa21MVP wrote:I did a weekend trip recently and while the hotel was really nice overall, they had some sandpaper grade toilet paper. I think I'm going to start packing my own roll from now on.


Treat yo' self, dammit:

https://www.brondell.com/gospa-travel-bidet/


oh my what a wonderful treat a ketchup bottle i can use to squirt water on my butt
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sat Oct 13, 2018 9:18 pm

I too was dumb and scoffed for too many years.

Fix your pooply ways; it's not too late.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby sweetpeteman » Sat Oct 13, 2018 9:25 pm

I find it kind of funny that this thread and the "Chili has gone bad" thread keep floating to the top of the Active Topics page.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:02 pm

sweetpeteman wrote:I find it kind of funny that this thread and the "Chili has gone bad" thread keep floating to the top of the Active Topics page.


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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Pushfrog98 » Sun Oct 14, 2018 6:44 am

sweetpeteman wrote:I find it kind of funny that this thread and the "Chili has gone bad" thread keep floating to the top of the Active Topics page.

I may have posted on this one because of my Chili post.

And to follow up, my schedule is at 10:00am (until the time change). I’m not sure why. I’ve tried changing it, it just doesn’t work. There’s also something nice about dropping a deuce on the company dime.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sun Oct 14, 2018 1:28 pm

treebird wrote:
Sammy Sofa wrote:
Sosa21MVP wrote:I did a weekend trip recently and while the hotel was really nice overall, they had some sandpaper grade toilet paper. I think I'm going to start packing my own roll from now on.


Treat yo' self, dammit:

https://www.brondell.com/gospa-travel-bidet/


oh my what a wonderful treat a ketchup bottle i can use to squirt water on my butt


Dammit, I wanted this to keep going. It's not every day where you stumble on a debate where the opposing stance is the slam dunk of, "no, *I'M* the normal one because I want to keep scraping horsefeathers from my butt with my hand and a wad of paper"

People like this is why we'll end up in the nightmare future of the three seashells.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby treebird » Sun Oct 14, 2018 1:45 pm

Sammy Sofa wrote:
treebird wrote:
Sammy Sofa wrote:
Treat yo' self, dammit:

https://www.brondell.com/gospa-travel-bidet/


oh my what a wonderful treat a ketchup bottle i can use to squirt water on my butt


Dammit, I wanted this to keep going. It's not every day where you stumble on a debate where the opposing stance is the slam dunk of, "no, *I'M* the normal one because I want to keep scraping horsefeathers from my butt with my hand and a wad of paper"

People like this is why we'll end up in the nightmare future of the three seashells.


i have never used a bidet but i am generally pro and have had one of those toilet seat attachment things in my shopping cart on amazon multiple times only to end up not pulling the trigger.

the $15 ketchup bottle is ridiculous, though.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sun Oct 14, 2018 2:00 pm

It's just a portable version; you gotta pay for what works. Makes a lot more sense than bringing toilet paper along on a trip, IMO.

Though if you wanna try and hose yourself clean with a ketchup bottle, that's probably a pretty surefire way to quick internet stardom.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Sun Oct 14, 2018 2:04 pm

Here, you can get this one instead and pretend like you're an alien who finally has some alone time with the probe machine:

https://www.amazon.com/BOSS-BIDET-Mini-Guarantee-Retractable/dp/B06W579TYY/ref=lp_14308155011_1_4?srs=14308155011&ie=UTF8&qid=1539525792&sr=8-4

Also: I think that a Venn diagram of those making excuses against the minor miracle of bidet technology and the type of monsters who stand to wipe would be almost a perfect circle.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Pushfrog98 » Mon Oct 15, 2018 11:02 pm

Sammy Sofa wrote:Here, you can get this one instead and pretend like you're an alien who finally has some alone time with the probe machine:

https://www.amazon.com/BOSS-BIDET-Mini-Guarantee-Retractable/dp/B06W579TYY/ref=lp_14308155011_1_4?srs=14308155011&ie=UTF8&qid=1539525792&sr=8-4

Also: I think that a Venn diagram of those making excuses against the minor miracle of bidet technology and the type of monsters who stand to wipe would be almost a perfect circle.

The physics of how this is even accomplished boggles my mind.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby JudasIscariotTheBird » Mon Oct 15, 2018 11:04 pm

Sammy Sofa wrote:Here, you can get this one instead and pretend like you're an alien who finally has some alone time with the probe machine:

https://www.amazon.com/BOSS-BIDET-Mini-Guarantee-Retractable/dp/B06W579TYY/ref=lp_14308155011_1_4?srs=14308155011&ie=UTF8&qid=1539525792&sr=8-4

Also: I think that a Venn diagram of those making excuses against the minor miracle of bidet technology and the type of monsters who stand to wipe would be almost a perfect circle.

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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby mul21 » Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:15 pm

Pushfrog98 wrote:
Sammy Sofa wrote:Here, you can get this one instead and pretend like you're an alien who finally has some alone time with the probe machine:

https://www.amazon.com/BOSS-BIDET-Mini-Guarantee-Retractable/dp/B06W579TYY/ref=lp_14308155011_1_4?srs=14308155011&ie=UTF8&qid=1539525792&sr=8-4

Also: I think that a Venn diagram of those making excuses against the minor miracle of bidet technology and the type of monsters who stand to wipe would be almost a perfect circle.

The physics of how this is even accomplished boggles my mind.


Why? Stand, a little knee bend and lean forward and you’ve got unfettered bhole access.
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Re: Bathroom Nightmares

Postby Sammy Sofa » Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:21 pm

treebird wrote:
Sammy Sofa wrote:
treebird wrote:
oh my what a wonderful treat a ketchup bottle i can use to squirt water on my butt


Dammit, I wanted this to keep going. It's not every day where you stumble on a debate where the opposing stance is the slam dunk of, "no, *I'M* the normal one because I want to keep scraping horsefeathers from my butt with my hand and a wad of paper"

People like this is why we'll end up in the nightmare future of the three seashells.


i have never used a bidet but i am generally pro and have had one of those toilet seat attachment things in my shopping cart on amazon multiple times only to end up not pulling the trigger.

the $15 ketchup bottle is ridiculous, though.


GOOD NEWS: it's now only $7.46 on Amazon, so quit crying and making us all uncomfortable with the weird ass ketchup you apparently have lurking in your cabinet.

BAD NEWS: you have to buy it from Amazon.
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