We Got The Whole 9 wrote:I apologize beforehand if this brings anybody down but I need to vent a little and perhaps gain a little perspective, if I am so fortunate.
So, my wife and I are both 37. We've been pretty much inseparable since we met 8 years ago. Before her, my longest relationship was less than a year. She is the one. We hardly ever fight and never stay mad if we do have a dispute. We push each other and support each other and I pretty much expect one of us to die in the others arms someday. I do not care how sappy that sounds.
But it's possible that we are genetically incompatible. We are currently suffering our 3rd nonviable pregnancy.
The first one we weren't trying and honestly I think both of us were a little relieved. We didn't feel like we were ready to support a child financially. So we waited a while. Several years went by actually. Everybody wants to know, when are you guys going to start a family? Oh you guys will make the best parents. You play it off and act like you're just waiting for the perfect time.
Then the Cubs win the World Series. It's only natural, right, to celebrate and decide the time probably can't get more perfect? Technology nowadays. Women have apps that tell them when they're at peak fertility and her prime calendar just happened to fall within that magical night. It was all so seamless. Serendipitous. She was late. We knew this was it. A few weeks later the ol rug pullin Dr says sorry I don't see a heartbeat. We sought second opinions. They told us it's possible it's too early; come back in a week. The optimism was nice but short-lived. This turned into a disastrous emergency after my wife refused a D&C initially and by the time she took meds to force what had began to develop out, she damn near bled to death. Scariest moment of my life by miles.
It is so damn hard to mask the pain. You don't want people to know and you know they're gonna ask when the little ones are coming. The real challenge is trying to be happy as your relatives and close friends have kids without a hitch. I pretty much swore off social media. I feel like a hater but **** it. I guess it is what it is.
So, last night, we re-lived the nightmare. Same [expletive] thing (well, not finding a heartbeat). We were cautiously optimistic, granted. I guess you could say we are a bit callous now. I know some of you are for population control and some of you simply have no desire to have kids. I respect that. But we do. This is a gut-wrenching feeling. We are good people with strong values and we would love a little being to raise and guide and to, love. And hell I know this sounds selfish but I've dreamed of having a boy I can pass my love and knowledge of sports down to the way that my dad did to me. I wanna "have a catch", too, if you know what I mean...
But first we are going to be tested to see why we can't get the chromosomes and stuff proper. From what I've been told and have researched, there's not much we're going to be able to do, aside from IVF and other alternative methods.
I think my rant is over. Sorry if I'm a little all over the place.
I hope that none of you are going through this as well, or have experienced it before.
I'm sorry to hear that man. My wife and I have been struggling with infertility ourselves, but haven't had anything like what you're all experiencing. We've been trying to have a baby for about 2.5 years now and have spent the last year or so working with a fertility clinic. We just did our 4th or 5th IUI (I can't even keep track anymore) a few weeks ago but we got another negative pregnancy test this week. Next month we move to Follistim to see if anything happens with that. It's extremely frustrating because there is just no answer. Everything checks out with my sperm count and motility and all that. Back in the fall we did an HSG to see if there were any issues with her uterus. Obviously we weren't hoping for anything to be seriously wrong, but we were kind of hoping there would be something that would explain it. The doctor doing the ultrasound/HSG said she had a "textbook uterus." Of course.
I'm trying to be more open about infertility with people, because as I've learned over the past couple years, no one talks about it, and there's a lot more people going through it than anyone realizes. I agree that the questions from people are the worst part. My family knows, her family knows, and some of our close friends know, but that's all happened within the last six months or so. For the first year and a half or more, we kept it to ourselves. I'm not ashamed of it, and it's a pretty big and serious part of our lives, so I don't really feel the need to hide it anymore. The counter argument to that is, I don't want to be treated as a sympathy case either.
Still, there are those situations where you just go "well what the horsefeathers." One of my co-workers who I'm pretty close with seemed down at work the other day and I asked her if she was ok. She asked if I really wanted to know and I said if she wanted to tell me, sure. We're mostly pretty open about things in our personal lives and me/my wife and her/her husband are all friendly. She said her and her husband had just started trying again and she got her period that day so she was bummed. She said "we got pregnant with our first kid on the second try so I was hoping this one would be the first." I haven't told her what my wife and I have been going through because I haven't decided if I should bring it in to the work place, but my initial reaction was to be like "well hell, we've got about 30 failed pregnancy tests and a bunch of credit card debt to go with our problem." But, I realized that wasn't the moment to do so and of course she's allowed to be upset by it.
Our two best friends got drunk one night, forgot to use a condom, and now she's pregnant and due in May. They got married a week and a half ago. That one was pretty shocking and emotional for us. Of course now we're absolutely stoked and super excited that people we're so close with are going to have a baby, but at first it was like "what in the actual hell?" We spend tons of money and have all these appointments and my wife has to get all of these injections and take all of these hormones and medications, and they just forget to use a condom and they're good to go? Those friends were aware of our situation, and actually felt really guilty themselves which was insane, but when we were first told that was a weird one for us to try and swallow.
I really have found myself able to deal with it all a little easier since I've opened up about it a bit and don't have to feel like I'm constantly hiding something. Maybe that's something that will work for you. As I said, our families and close friends are in the know, and they've all been really great in letting us talk about it (or not talk about it) and being there if we need the support. It also helps stop the "so when are you having a baby?" questions. There's a lot more people out there dealing with it than anyone realizes, so you and your wife are not alone. I wish you guys all the best.