Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

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Outshined_One
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Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby Outshined_One » Thu Oct 28, 2021 1:59 pm

I'm horsefeathering depressed about sports, politics, and entertainment right now. Let's have a horsefeathering thread about bad jokes and dad jokes.

I'll start.

Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

Spoiler: show
They always get lost at C.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby jersey cubs fan » Thu Oct 28, 2021 2:01 pm

Outshined_One wrote:I'm horsefeathering depressed about sports, politics, and entertainment right now. Let's have a horsefeathering thread about bad jokes and dad jokes.

I'll start.

Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

Spoiler: show
They always get lost at C.


Spoiler: show
Rrrrrrr you kidding me with this [expletive] joke?
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby CubinNY » Thu Oct 28, 2021 2:05 pm

Spoiler: show
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby jersey cubs fan » Thu Oct 28, 2021 2:13 pm

CubinNY wrote:
Spoiler: show
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

methinks the spoiler tag is a bit unnecessary for the entire joke.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby CubinNY » Thu Oct 28, 2021 2:30 pm

jersey cubs fan wrote:
CubinNY wrote:
Spoiler: show
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

methinks the spoiler tag is a bit unnecessary for the entire joke.

It's so bad no one really needs to see it.
Last edited by CubinNY on Thu Oct 28, 2021 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby OleMissCub » Thu Oct 28, 2021 2:38 pm

What’s the difference in a Methodist and a Baptist?

Spoiler: show
the Methodist waves at you in the liquor store.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby Andy » Thu Oct 28, 2021 2:48 pm

I have two that are my favorites.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Spoiler: show
Because if it had 4, it would be called a chicken sedan.


My wife always got really annoyed at me because I had no sense of direction.

Spoiler: show
So I packed up my things and I right!
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby minnesotacubsfan » Thu Oct 28, 2021 4:37 pm

This is more than a one-liner, but gets the groans every time:


There once was a man who was driving from Minneapolis to Seattle along I-90. His goal, hopped up on no-doze, was to try and drive straight through, a 24 hr trek so he left Minneapolis early one morning and headed out.

Somewhere around central Montana, sleep started to say otherwise. He began to feel uncontrollably sleepy. Now, as some of you may know, central/eastern Montana is a bit barren, and there were no towns for miles from his location. But the no-doze had no effect, and he was quickly falling asleep at the wheel. He noticed in the distance a small cabin some 1000 yards off the interstate, and conveniently an exit to reach it. He decided to see if he could crash for the night and took the exit.

As he pulled up to the cabin, he noticed a dim light inside. He walked up to the door and knocked. Amid the darkness, shuffling could be heard inside, and the door opened, revealing a hunched over elderly man.

"I'm so sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if I could just crash on your couch tonight?" asked the traveler.

The old man looked at him and responded "oh, tired are ya? Of course, you can sleep here. Are you hungry? I have some left over stew from dinner".

Considering the damp, cold and dreary weather outside, the stew sounded and smelled fantastic to the traveler. "Sure, I'd love some".

The traveler sat down and waited to be served. As the old man brought the stew to him, he began to ramble about his time in the South Pacific during WWII. The traveler didn't think much about it, old people tell lots of stories - until the old man passively mentioned a PINK GORILLA.

"...while we were caging the animal..." stated the old man and was interrupted by the traveler "WHAT? you caught a pink gorilla? yea right."

The old man didn't take lightly to the intrusion of his story. "You dont believe me do you son?" he snapped back.

"No, I dont believe in pink gorillas"

"I swear by god that we did catch one. In fact, the whole reason I live out her in this god forsaken place is to keep the gorilla from harassing everyone on this green earth!" emphatically stated the old man.

The old man walked over to his refrigerator and proceeded to try and move it. Feeling confused, but concerned for the old man’s health, the traveler jumped up and tried to first stop the old man, but then proceeded to help the old man move the ice box after a ragged retort from the old man "HELP ME MOVE THIS [expletive] THING, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!"

After moving the appliance off its original position, the traveler noticed a trap door beneath it. The old man opened the door, and underneath the traveler could see ladder leading to a hallway, lit by a torch providing a warm soft glow mounted on the hallway wall.

They climbed down the ladder, grasped the torch, and led by the old man began walking down the hall. The traveler felt no threat, the old man was frail and clearly disillusion and he himself in his late 20's and very fit, so he went along with the production. They came upon a staircase. Not just any staircase, but one built from top to bottom as 25 flights of wood stairs followed by 25 flights of aluminum stairs supported at the bottom by 25 flights of cast iron stairs. A truly unusual staircase, indeed.

At the bottom, the traveler noticed another dark tunnel that the old man proceeded down. Given their physical comparisons, the younger traveler had about 1/2 step on the old man when he was grabbed on the shoulder by the old man and told to "STOP!" As the old man held the torch out, he could see the floor was gone ahead of him, and in fact was a dark black hole. "How deep is that?" asked the younger. "I dont know, the navy won’t tell me" said the old man. (NAVY? thought the traveler. In Montana?) "Help me put these planks over the hole and we'll cross" said the elder. And so, they did, and continued down the tunnel.

They came upon a door with 5 locks on it. The old man curiously unlocked each lock with the same key, opened the door to reveal another tunnel. They continued down the tunnel, and as they did the traveler started to notice a glow in front of them. They reached another hole in the floor, this time one red hot full of lava. "I had no idea there were volcanoes in Montana" he stated to the old man. "Thats not a volcano, thats fiery pit, kept lit by the Department of Defense to keep the Pink Gorilla in check". (Old dude is batchit crazy - the travel thought to himself). They placed a couple of planks across the fiery pit and crossed, continuing down the tunnel.

They came upon a door with 50 locks up and down the jambs. The old man unlocked all 50 locks with the same key, flung the door open and revealed a vast underground lake with an island in its center. Curiously, in the pitch of night, it was lit buy some invisible sun. The old man placed the torch on a holder next to the door, walked down to the shore where there was a boat, and ordered the young traveler to get inside and row with him to the island. Confused all at once by the unusual walk, daylight cave, and likely way too much caffeine, he did as ordered.

As they approached the island in the boat, the traveler could see on it a cage with something pink inside. As they got to the islands shore, he could make out an ape like figure lying on its side, snoring. It looked to be 8'-9' tall, a truly massive animal. The old man began to describe in detail of the gorillas capture in Papa New Guinea, of its ferociousness and how it incapacitated half a battalion, how it never let up until "it got you". He described how the Navy, so many years ago, relocated him and the gorilla to rural Montana to keep it under wraps. As the old man was talking, the traveler started to venture closer to the sleeping ape when he was stopped dead in his tracks by the old man - "WHAT EVER YOU DO, DONT TOUCH IT". The warning was stark and the younger took note.

Sleep now started to truly take hold of the traveler, it was close to 1:00 am and he was exhausted. The old man recognized this and said “well, lets get back”. They jumped into the boat and paddled back to the door. The leashed the boat to its mooring, grabbed the torch and stepped through the door, locking all 50 locks with the same key. The sauntered down the tunnel, pulling the planks back across the fiery pit. When they got to the first door, the old man locked all 5 locks with the same key and they continued down the first tunnel, pulling the planks back across the bottomless pit. They the trapsed up the 25 flights of cast iron stairs, 25 flights of aluminum stairs and 25 flights of wood stairs, finally reaching the trap door leading into the cabin and placed the torch back in its holder, climbing the ladder into the cabin and replacing the refer to its original position.

Dude passed out as soon as is head hit the pillow – but not for long. It bothered him to no end why the old man didn’t want him to touch the gorilla. It had to be something, why else go through all the trouble of hiding this creature all the way out in the middle of Montana? Curiosity killed the cat, and somewhere around 2-3 am, the young traveler sat up and decided to find out.

He walked over to the refer, slid it out of the way, opened the trap door and climbed down inside. He grabbed the torch and proceeded down the 25 flights of wooden stairs, 25 flights of aluminum stairs and 25 flights of cast iron stairs. With a spring in his step, he proceeded down the tunnel to the bottomless pit, placing the planks left for its crossing, and made his way to the door with 5 locks on it. Having stole the key from the old man as he slept, the younger unlocked all 5 locks with the same key, opened the door and continued until he reached the fiery pit. He placed the planks left there over the fiery pit and finally reached the door with 50 locks on it, unlocking all 50 locks with the same key. Entering the underground cavern, he placed the torch in its holder and rowed himself to the island.
When he reached the island, the gorilla was still sleeping. He noticed one of the gorillas’ arms outstretched, and one of hist hands was outside of the cage slipped between two bars. Off the gorilla’s index finger was one lone pink hair. (ape will never feel it – he thought to himself) and reached down to touch the single hair

IN AN INSTANT THE GORILLA SPRANG TO ITS FEET AND BEGAND TO SHAKE THE CAGE MAKING THE MOST HORRIFIC NOISE THE YOUNGER HAD EVER HEARD – AS IF HOWINGFROM HELL! IN PURE TERROR HE RAN FOR THE BOAT JUMPING INTO IT AND ROWING TOWARDS THE ENTRY DOOR. HE RAN TROUGH IT LEAVING THE TORCH IN ITS HOLDER BUT MANAGED TO LOCK ALL 50 LOCKS WITH THE SINGLE KEY. THAT’S WHEN HE HEARD THE GORILLA CAGE SHATTER, AND THE UNMISTAKABLE SOUND OF SOMETHING JUMPING INTO THE WATER!!!!!

Here is where he made his 1st mistake, when running down the tunnel, the young traveler forgot to pull the planks across the fiery pit.

Finding the first door with 5 locks on it, he locked all 5 locks and again began to run towards the unusual staircase. At that moment he heard what sounded like a door being crashed through, the second door with 50 locks had been breached! Pure panic took hold, and the younger made his 2nd mistake; he forgot to pull the planks across the bottomless pit(!)

Reaching the 25 flights of cast iron stairs, 25 flights of aluminum stairs, and 25 flights of wooden stairs, the younger sprinted up all of them, reaching the trap door just as he heard the first door crash to the ground. He didn’t bother trying to return the old mans keys, he just ran directly to his car, got in and wasted no time peeling out of the driveway headed to the interstate. As he pulled onto I-90 with cars the accelerator floored, he could see the cabins door fly off its hinges, a task made so effortlessly by a giant PINK APE! He focused on the road ahead and barely made his escape.

After some hours of driving, he was too tired again to keep his eyes open so he pulled off the side of the road, shut the car off, and reclined his seat falling asleep almost instantaneously. After about an hour of shut eye, he woke up to what felt like the wind blowing his car. “That’s odd, I didn’t think it was windy” he said to himself. It wasn’t windy, and in fact, the ground itself was shaking. The fact soon became apparent to the younger and in disbelief he sat up and tried to recount the fault lines that might run through Montana. There are none, he rightfully concluded. That’s when he noticed the dust cloud in his rear view mirror, fastly approaching. As he watched it, he could see a pink dot at its forefront. THE PINK GORILLA HAD FOUND HIM! AFTER SO MANY MILES, DOORS, AND HOURS, IT HAD CHASED HIM DOWN ½ ACROSS MONTANA! CLEARLY, THE GORILLA IS GOING TO “GET HIM” AS THE OLD MAN WARNED! “I’M DONE” uttered the younger. “I’m just going to sit here, the gorilla can get me, I have no energy left and it will never let up”

The Pink Gorilla who in fact would never let up, approached the car at nearly mach speed, jumped up onto its roof, ripped the top of the car off, reached down for the younger touching him on his shoulder and said

► Show Spoiler
Last edited by minnesotacubsfan on Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby UK » Thu Oct 28, 2021 4:55 pm

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "why do you have a steering wheel stuck to your pants?"

Pirate says...

Spoiler: show
"I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby Banedon » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:00 pm

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby jersey cubs fan » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:02 pm

Banedon wrote:The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.

There is only one good IKEA joke
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby CoolHandLuke » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:02 pm

wow
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby WrigleyField 22 » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:25 pm

I'm definitely more of the observational/pun based variety of dad jokes.

Had a really good one the other day that I now can't remember. Will update if it comes to me.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby rawaction » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:31 pm

This is my type of thread!

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?

Spoiler: show
58
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby rawaction » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:34 pm

I told my cat today that I was going to teach him English.

Spoiler: show
He looked at me and said, "Me? How?"
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby TarzanJoeWallis » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:40 pm

Andy wrote:I have two that are my favorites.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Spoiler: show
Because if it had 4, it would be called a chicken sedan.


My wife always got really annoyed at me because I had no sense of direction.

Spoiler: show
So I packed up my things and I right!

I totally didn’t get the second joke for a long time!
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby rawaction » Thu Oct 28, 2021 6:14 pm

What did the Mexican firefighter name is twin sons?

Spoiler: show
Jose and Hose B
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby Cubfanintheknow » Thu Oct 28, 2021 6:45 pm

Not necessarily a "joke", but it works great with young kids.

When we'd drive through the countryside, I'd always point out if there were donkeys along the road. Except I'd call them asses.

For the next two minutes, I'd describe observations I made about them.

"Look at that ass out there with the cows."
"Looks like there's another ass way back there."
"I've never seen an ass that color."
"Two asses just minding their own business."
"That's the whitest ass I've ever seen."

The wife will laugh while she's telling you to stop. The kids in the back seat will think you're their hero.

I knew the joke had finally run it's course when my 7 year old in the back seat got the courage to ask, "Dad, have you ever ridden an ass before?"

Wife was not amused.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby The Logan » Thu Oct 28, 2021 11:51 pm

Outshined_One wrote:I'm horsefeathering depressed about sports, politics, and entertainment right now. Let's have a horsefeathering thread about bad jokes and dad jokes.

I'll start.

Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

Spoiler: show
They always get lost at C.


This pirate joke similar, but is a two parter and weirdly kills every time I tell it

Q: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
A: RRRRRRRR
Follow up: Nar, tis the C they love
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby Outshined_One » Fri Oct 29, 2021 6:13 pm

UK wrote:A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "why do you have a steering wheel stuck to your pants?"

Pirate says...

Spoiler: show
"I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"


I'm also a fan of the Scotsman/Irishman version of this joke.

Spoiler: show
Ach, it's driving me nuts!


Why can't you hear anything whenever a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom?

Spoiler: show
The P is silent.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby weis21 » Mon Nov 01, 2021 8:10 pm

I'll pitch in because this is my cup of tea. Keep this content going, plz.

Probably cliche and known by all, but:

Dad: *drives past cemetery* Hey kids do you know why that graveyard is so full?

Kid(s): *shrug*

Spoiler: show
Dad: People are dying to get in there!


__

One more of my dad's personal favorites was:

Bill: Grady didn't come into work today. He called in scared...

Audience: *confused and wondering if dad is having a stroke*

Spoiler: show
Bill: Yep...called in and said "AFRAID HE CAN'T MAKE IT IN TODAY"
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby Banedon » Mon Nov 01, 2021 11:36 pm

Does this qualify?

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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby weis21 » Sat Nov 06, 2021 1:29 pm

Sad news. Just heard the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby CoolHandLuke » Sat Nov 06, 2021 1:41 pm

What is the best time to make a dentist appointment?

2:30!
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Re: Bad Jokes & Dad Jokes

Postby Derwood » Sat Nov 06, 2021 9:32 pm

Lance isn't a very common name these days, but in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
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